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We Interviewed A Snake

 Hello all. Today the team at MAD wanted to break out of the mold. We've spent years writing about snakes, but we had never paused to get real takes from real snakes during all this! We sat down with some snakes to hear what they had to say about life. The following is the transcribed version of the interview.

MAD: Joining us today are three lovely snakes. I'd like to introduce Jackie, a rattlesnake. Next to her we've got Rocky, the anaconda that bit one of Nicki Minaj's backup dancers. Last, but certainly not least, we've got Samantha, a coffee snake.

MAD: Before we slither in, I'd like to ask each of you some questions so our readers can get to know you a bit better. Jackie, can you tell us what life was like growing up as a snake?

Jackie: ssssssssssssssssssssssssss

MAD: Fascinating. There is so much stigma around rattlesnakes, so that story about the other children being afraid of you was hard to hear. Thank you for sharing.

Jackie: sssssssss

MAD: We're certainly glad you're living your best life now. Girl power! Samantha, do you want to add anything about sexism in the snake community?

Samantha: sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

MAD: Wow, that sounds like no fun at all! I didn't consider how hard it would be to break the glass ceiling without any arms.

Samantha: sssss

Jackie: ssss! sssssssssssssssssssssssss

MAD: I totally hear you. It's interesting to consider how different species of snakes are treated in the serpent community. Rocky, we haven't heard from you yet. How do you feel about humans' treatment of snakes?

Rocky: Well, shit, man, I don't think the humans like me too much.

MAD: Jesus Christ, Rocky, you sound like you smoke twelve packs a day! What happened since our last interview?

Rocky: Well, I was supposed to sing with with Nicki Minaj in concert, but one of the backup dancers nearly stepped on me and made me miss my solo. I bit that bitch so hard he was sent into another dimension.

MAD: That's certainly a way to go about conflict resolution.

Samantha: sssssssssssssssssssss

Rocky: Those humans were something else. They wouldn't be able to tell a damn python from a sea snake.

MAD: Now, let's turn our focus to everyone's favorite publication, My Aneconda Don't. Samantha, as our resident coffee snake, I want to know how you felt about the piece we wrote about coffee snakes a while back.

Samantha: sssssssss. ssssssssssss, ssssssssssssssss. ssss? sssssssssssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

MAD: Girl, I totally feel you. We didn't intend to pit the different coffee snakes against each other, you know we wouldn't do that! 

Jackie: sssssssssss

Samantha: sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

MAD: Come on, ladies, we're not bashing any kind of snake. You know that unlike Cardi B, we are accepting of both garden snakes and king cobras at MAD.

Rocky: That reminds me of this guy I had over last week after the-

MAD: Well, thank you all for tuning in and learning some more about snake life today! As always, peace, love, MAD.

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