My Aneconda Don't

Does your anaconda not want none unless they got buns, hun? We have the perfect pick-up lines for snakes trying to find love. Whether you sprinkle these in while sexting (snake texting), exchanging pics after you shed, or trying to meet someone in the wild, these lines are snake tested, snake approved. Your next lover may not have legs, but they'll still fall head-over-heels (or head-over-tail) for you. 1. My anaconda do for you ;) Accompany this zinger with a wink and your date will want to go home with you in no time. 2. I'm not the only thing that's long. Some snakes can grow up to 30 feet long, but you know what else can grow long? That's for your boo to find out! 3. My skin ain't the only thing I'll be taking off tonight. Want to hint that you'll be taking your date's clothes off later? Throw this line out and soon both clothes and scales will be shed. 4. Are you a wild animal? Because I want to choke you. If you're a ...

Has this ever happened to you? A well-meaning friend: "The Dow fell by 3 last night" You: "I don't know where 3 is, but did you help it get back up?" You fool. You absolute, hare-brained, rat-brained, rabbit-brained, vole-brained fool. Dude. You're 27. You should know what the hell is up with the Dow Jones. The Dow Jones is a line people put on graphs when they want to feel smart. It was established way before you were born, and it'll exist way after your existence on this planet. Life is temporary, but the Dow Jones is forever. I wrote a sonnet about the Dow Jones Industrial Average to help knuckleheads like you understand it. The Dow Jones, which is also called the Dow, Has thirty corporate constituents, Each of which is a marketplace cash-cow, And is replaced like a substituent, Well really, companies stay for quite long, And aren't replaced unless business is slow, Some people say the Dow Jones's never wrong, But all stock st...

Millennials. They buy so much avocado toast. If they have so much avocado for money toast, why don't they just? Toast their money? Set it ablaze? Same difference, avocado. Millenia is a thousand years. Millennials are people who have been alive for a thousand years. They had so much time to save money, but they're wasting it all and they're taking the economy down with them. Imagine a wealthy vampire. Now imagine Jeff Bezos. Consider the implications. Sir Jeff wants to be immortalized. Vampires aren't immortal because they are dead. Does one need to be alive to be considered immortal? Or does "immortal" just mean one cannot die? But vampires can die? The jury was out and now they are in and now they are an In-N-Out so this is inconclusive. We should've chosen better jurors. HELLO! Peace, love, economy, -MAD Author's note: this post was written 4 hours after I had 5oz of cold brew, excuse the brain noises,  everything is not making sense. ...

There are so many lists of fun facts for kids, but why aren't there fun facts for adults? Adults can have fun. Adults deserve  to have fun. Adulthood isn't terrifying, and I'm definitely not using this to distract myself of an oncoming existential crisis. Let's get to the fun (adult) facts! 1. Snakes don't have eyelids. Right off the bat, snakes can't close their eyes because they don't have eyelids! This means they sleep with their eyes open. Don't you wish you could sleep right now? Isn't adulthood exhausting? 2. Snakes have flexible jaws so they can eat food bigger than their head. Just like you, snakes can bite off more than they can chew. Actually, snakes can't bite or chew, but you get my point. Don't you feel so overwhelmed right now? Life is a prison. 3. A decapitated head of a snake can still bite for several hours after death. Doesn't this remind you of the person you thought you cut off who still manages to hurt you? T...

Frightening. Terrifying. Transparent. Scary. Dead. These are all words that are used to describe ghosts. You may be wondering where I've been. For the last year, I have been undercover in [redacted] trying to understand ghosts' plight. One could say that I'm back from the dead, in a way! After thorough research and a deep-dive into ghost culture, I'm back with the hottest scoop on the block. The Appearance of Apparitions  A ghost is thought to be the soul or spirit of someone who has passed away. Some believe they're vividly lifelike, while some say they're wispy and see-through. Has anyone thought that ghosts can present however they want to? I'm sick of these expectations of how ghosts should look. Wearing a sheet isn't "basic" and only wearing your outfit from the day you died isn't "lazy." Ghosts can appear however they want, and you have no right to judge them for it. Specters as Spectators in our Material World ...