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We Interviewed A Snake

 Hello all. Today the team at MAD wanted to break out of the mold. We've spent years writing about  snakes, but we had never paused to get real takes from real snakes during all this! We sat down with some snakes to hear what they had to say about life. The following is the transcribed version of the interview. MAD: Joining us today are three lovely snakes. I'd like to introduce Jackie, a rattlesnake. Next to her we've got Rocky, the anaconda that bit one of Nicki Minaj's backup dancers. Last, but certainly not least, we've got Samantha, a coffee snake. MAD: Before we slither in, I'd like to ask each of you some questions so our readers can get to know you a bit better. Jackie, can you tell us what life was like growing up as a snake? Jackie: ssssssssssssssssssssssssss MAD: Fascinating. There is so much stigma around rattlesnakes, so that story about the other children being afraid of you was hard to hear. Thank you for sharing. Jackie: sssssssss MAD: We're ...
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What Makes Me MAD

You may already be aware that this publication is called MAD (My Aneconda Don't). It's tough out here being a herpetologist-economist-blogger-MMA champion-singer(in the shower)-amateur flautist-internet persona, but we make it work (Editor's Note: a herpetologist is someone who studies reptiles, in case you buffoons didn't already know). Reptile economics may be niche, but we at MAD are here to provide you with the absolute best content about snakes, and also the economy. However, there are things that just make our blood boil. Here are some of those things: 10.  A kettle. Coming in last place is the good ol' kettle. It's certainly a way to make our blood boil, but there are certainly more creative methods. 9. A pot on the stove over high heat. Nothing makes our blood boil quite like a pot heating up on the stovetop. It's a surefire way to heat anything up in a pinch. 8. In the oven. If we want slow-boiled blood, the oven is our best bet. We get so...
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Economy: Exposed

Quick question: do snakes have legs? No! Of course not. That would be preposterous. But you know who has legs? Most human beings! Today I am going to talk about an oft-ignored aspect of economy: the flight class. Buckle up buckaroos, because this exposé has been a long time coming and MAD has some opinions! When you look up "economy planes definition" the lovely Miss Google tells you that the purchase of an economy ticket means that you will be sitting in the main cabin. I read this, and I thought "Sweet! I love cabins!" This is what I imagine when I think of cabins: Looks pretty neat, right? You hear you're gonna be sitting in this bad boy for 1-19 hours, and life doesn't seem so bad. Maybe I could fetch some firewood and cozy up, reading and drinking hot chocolate. Boy, was I in for the tomfoolery of my life. Apparently a plane's cabin isn't warm, welcoming, or wooden. Instead, a plane's cabin looks like this: Just looking at...
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4 Pick-Up Lines to Make Them Fall Head-Over-Tail for You

Does your anaconda not want none unless they got buns, hun? We have the perfect pick-up lines for snakes trying to find love. Whether you sprinkle these in while sexting (snake texting), exchanging pics after you shed, or trying to meet someone in the wild, these lines are snake tested, snake approved. Your next lover may not have legs, but they'll still fall head-over-heels (or head-over-tail) for you. 1. My anaconda do for you ;) Accompany this zinger with a wink and your date will want to go home with you in no time. 2. I'm not the only thing that's long. Some snakes can grow up to 30 feet long, but you know what else can grow long? That's for your boo to find out! 3. My skin ain't the only thing I'll be taking off tonight. Want to hint that you'll be taking your date's clothes off later? Throw this line out and soon both clothes and scales will be shed. 4. Are you a wild animal? Because I want to choke you. If you're a ...
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The Dow Jones Explained

Has this ever happened to you? A well-meaning friend: "The Dow fell by 3 last night" You: "I don't know where 3 is, but did you help it get back up?" You fool. You absolute, hare-brained, rat-brained, rabbit-brained, vole-brained fool. Dude. You're 27. You should know what the hell is up with the Dow Jones. The Dow Jones is a line people put on graphs when they want to feel smart. It was established way before you were born, and it'll exist way after your existence on this planet. Life is temporary, but the Dow Jones is forever. I wrote a sonnet about the Dow Jones Industrial Average to help knuckleheads like you understand it. The Dow Jones, which is also called the Dow, Has thirty corporate constituents, Each of which is a marketplace cash-cow, And is replaced like a substituent, Well really, companies stay for quite long, And aren't replaced unless business is slow, Some people say the Dow Jones's never wrong, But all stock st...
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Millennials Are Ruining The Economy

Millennials. They buy so much avocado toast. If they have so much avocado for money toast, why don't they just? Toast their money? Set it ablaze? Same difference, avocado. Millenia is a thousand years. Millennials are people who have been alive for a thousand years. They had so much time to save money, but they're wasting it all and they're taking the economy down with them. Imagine a wealthy vampire. Now imagine Jeff Bezos. Consider the implications. Sir Jeff wants to be immortalized. Vampires aren't immortal because they are dead. Does one need to be alive to be considered immortal? Or does "immortal" just mean one cannot die? But vampires can die? The jury was out and now they are in and now they are an In-N-Out so this is inconclusive. We should've chosen better jurors. HELLO! Peace, love, economy, -MAD Author's note: this post was written 4 hours after I had 5oz of cold brew, excuse the brain noises,  everything is not making sense. ...
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Fun Snake Facts For Adults

There are so many lists of fun facts for kids, but why aren't there fun facts for adults? Adults can have fun. Adults deserve  to have fun. Adulthood isn't terrifying, and I'm definitely not using this to distract myself of an oncoming existential crisis. Let's get to the fun (adult) facts! 1. Snakes don't have eyelids. Right off the bat, snakes can't close their eyes because they don't have eyelids! This means they sleep with their eyes open. Don't you wish you could sleep right now? Isn't adulthood exhausting? 2. Snakes have flexible jaws so they can eat food bigger than their head. Just like you, snakes can bite off more than they can chew. Actually, snakes can't bite or chew, but you get my point. Don't you feel so overwhelmed right now? Life is a prison. 3. A decapitated head of a snake can still bite for several hours after death. Doesn't this remind you of the person you thought you cut off who still manages to hurt you? T...
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