My Aneconda Don't

Has this ever happened to you? A well-meaning friend: "The Dow fell by 3 last night" You: "I don't know where 3 is, but did you help it get back up?" You fool. You absolute, hare-brained, rat-brained, rabbit-brained, vole-brained fool. Dude. You're 27. You should know what the hell is up with the Dow Jones. The Dow Jones is a line people put on graphs when they want to feel smart. It was established way before you were born, and it'll exist way after your existence on this planet. Life is temporary, but the Dow Jones is forever. I wrote a sonnet about the Dow Jones Industrial Average to help knuckleheads like you understand it. The Dow Jones, which is also called the Dow, Has thirty corporate constituents, Each of which is a marketplace cash-cow, And is replaced like a substituent, Well really, companies stay for quite long, And aren't replaced unless business is slow, Some people say the Dow Jones's never wrong, But all stock st...

Millennials. They buy so much avocado toast. If they have so much avocado for money toast, why don't they just? Toast their money? Set it ablaze? Same difference, avocado. Millenia is a thousand years. Millennials are people who have been alive for a thousand years. They had so much time to save money, but they're wasting it all and they're taking the economy down with them. Imagine a wealthy vampire. Now imagine Jeff Bezos. Consider the implications. Sir Jeff wants to be immortalized. Vampires aren't immortal because they are dead. Does one need to be alive to be considered immortal? Or does "immortal" just mean one cannot die? But vampires can die? The jury was out and now they are in and now they are an In-N-Out so this is inconclusive. We should've chosen better jurors. HELLO! Peace, love, economy, -MAD Author's note: this post was written 4 hours after I had 5oz of cold brew, excuse the brain noises,  everything is not making sense. ...

There are so many lists of fun facts for kids, but why aren't there fun facts for adults? Adults can have fun. Adults deserve  to have fun. Adulthood isn't terrifying, and I'm definitely not using this to distract myself of an oncoming existential crisis. Let's get to the fun (adult) facts! 1. Snakes don't have eyelids. Right off the bat, snakes can't close their eyes because they don't have eyelids! This means they sleep with their eyes open. Don't you wish you could sleep right now? Isn't adulthood exhausting? 2. Snakes have flexible jaws so they can eat food bigger than their head. Just like you, snakes can bite off more than they can chew. Actually, snakes can't bite or chew, but you get my point. Don't you feel so overwhelmed right now? Life is a prison. 3. A decapitated head of a snake can still bite for several hours after death. Doesn't this remind you of the person you thought you cut off who still manages to hurt you? T...

Frightening. Terrifying. Transparent. Scary. Dead. These are all words that are used to describe ghosts. You may be wondering where I've been. For the last year, I have been undercover in [redacted] trying to understand ghosts' plight. One could say that I'm back from the dead, in a way! After thorough research and a deep-dive into ghost culture, I'm back with the hottest scoop on the block. The Appearance of Apparitions  A ghost is thought to be the soul or spirit of someone who has passed away. Some believe they're vividly lifelike, while some say they're wispy and see-through. Has anyone thought that ghosts can present however they want to? I'm sick of these expectations of how ghosts should look. Wearing a sheet isn't "basic" and only wearing your outfit from the day you died isn't "lazy." Ghosts can appear however they want, and you have no right to judge them for it. Specters as Spectators in our Material World ...

Existence is meaningless. This core belief of nihilism, the thought-child of Nietzsche, at first appears depressing. It appears depressing because it is. Believing that life is meaningless can, for quite obvious reasons, cause feelings of depression and despair. After all, if nothing has meaning, what is the point of doing anything? However, once you have successfully detached yourself from anything connecting you to the world or society, life becomes so much easier. You no longer must care about the thoughts or feelings of others. Instead, every decision you make doesn't matter, so why not live life to the fullest? Take a risk, try something new, whisper sweetly to a night snake (more on that in a moment). In this post I thought to give you some New year's resolutions to give your life meaning, on your quest to living a life void of meaning. "Do something every day that scares you" I'm not talking about facing normie fears like spiders or the dark, yo...

It's September, meaning that the new year is just moments away! Get ready to make new year's resolutions and then abandon them like the garbage person you are using these simple tips. What is spiritual molting? Molting is the process in which snakes shed their skin. (See post "Snake Skin?" for a more in-depth explanation of this physical process). Spiritually, one can shed their negative attributes in order to be their best self. Get rid of any shred of personality you have and just be a likeable mass of nothing because you want to fit in! 1. Sugar scrubs. It's not about the physical scrub, but what it represents. This upcoming year, use sugar scrubs to not only exfoliate, but to rub away anything that makes you different or unique! 2. Therapy. Stop posting long paragraphs about your mental state on FaceBook and invest in some real help. In all seriousness, therapy can be a great way to work on your mental health and become the best version of you, you ...

Today I thought I would recommend some games for all you goons who play SuperSmashBros and have the audacity to call yourselves real gamers. Get educate!!!! 1. Snake A classic game. Hey, I gotta stay true to my brand! 2. Fortnight. No, not Fortnite. This game for REAL gamers is just a two week long period.Yuh. 3. Monopoly. Again, not what you think it is! If you're a LEGITIMATE gamer, you will horizontally or vertically integrate your business and become the next Robber Baron! Ruin the economy, because you are the 1% and you'll be just like Carnegie and philanthropically slap your name on a couple on universities and art halls. That's what I call community service! 4. Poker. Poker face? Only real gamers can master that. Thanks for staying tuned! Come back soon for a BREAKINg new story about the mistreatment of ghosts in our society. Peace, love, snakes, -MAD