My Aneconda Don't

Mmmmmmmmmmmm........... coffee. It's warm, it's a drug, and it goes sploosh in your stomach. But this post isn't about coffee, it's about snakes. In my post "Top 10 Kinds of Snakes," I ranked the genus Ninia as #1. Since there are 10 species in the genus Ninia, I thought today I would rank them. Before we get started, let's talk about Ninia snakes all together: they are native to Mexico, Central America, and the northern part of South America. They are commonly referred to as coffee snakes, hence the name of this post. 10. Ninia franciscoi It breaks my heart to rank any kind of coffee snake last, but seeing as I couldn't find any pictures of this species, I have to rank them here. Time to go into my mud hut and cry for seventeen days! 9. Ninia celata I couldn't find a better picture, sorry. But it's still beautiful. 8. Ninia atrata Also called Hallowell's coffee snake. It's wearing a red choker, which is SO 2006, but ...

Here is a list of my 10 favorite kinds of snakes. Have fun, pal!!!! 10. Death Adder I wanted to put this one higher on the list, but my agents warned me against promoting something named after Death. Fair enough, I guess. But I simply couldn't resist showing off these snakes- they can do math AND kill people, which is super hardcore. Look at these beautiful babies: 9. Dwarf Boa Also referred to as thunder snakes, these tiny boys are a MENACE. I wish I had a son, only because then I could get him a tiny little pet snake. Look how cute and cuddly they are!!!!! 8. False Cobra These snakes are really cute, so I wanted to feature them here on MAD. The only reason they didn't place higher on the list is because they are fake ass hoes- the False Cobra is not a species of cobra at all!!! When I found this out, I contemplated jumping off of the nearest bridge because I was so overwhelmed. Anyway, yeah: 7. Mamba A little bit of Monica in my life, a little bit of E...

Hey everybody!! Before we dive head-first into this question, I wanted to give some context. Every day, I am trying to answer a big question. Today I am tackling "When was Prince?"  since the other day, I was learning about the counterculture of the 1960's and decided to ask my teacher when Prince was. He didn't have an answer, so I am taking initiative and tackling this question myself. Prince is the son of a royal person. They're a king, if the king only ate white flour with green beans and always skipped leg day. Princes wear crowns and act like prissy b*tches, and witches don't like them. The prince from Beauty and the Beast was so ugly and annoying a witch turned him into a furry. Truly a horrible end to a person. Princes always seem to ruin economies by blowing their royal trust funds on rooms and rooms full of hot cheetos. I respect their interest in this food, but even I have a limit as to how many hot cheetos I can consume before I turn into dust...

Today I will be answering a very important question: "Snake skin?" This question means a lot to me since I am a snake enthusiast. Have fun! Skin is a stretchy fabric, but it's alive. It covers all living things until it gets too small and falls off. Someone once told me that skin is the largest organ in the body. I didn't know what an organ was, but a quick search showed me it was this: look at this organ Neat! A handy acronym to remember what skin is, is Skeet sKeet Inter Net. I'm not sure how it relates to skin, but make sure to remember that! On to snake skin. Snake skin is really fun because snakes shed it! You can find this skin later and sell it in the black market for $6. Some products like clothes, bags, and shoes are made of snakeskin, which this publication (MAD) strongly disagrees with. Clothing made of animals doesn't really make sense, both economically and in terms of snakes. Anway, I hope you enjoyed this blog post. Make su...

Life is a lot of things. You can eat ice cream, see friends, jump into an active volcano..... the possibilities are endless. But mostly, life is about snAKES and the economy. Here are the top ten meanings of life. Have fun, you majestic creature! 10. 47 Many people think that the meaning of life is 42, but they're wrong and don't deserve to ever eat a ripe fruit. Take that, you crusty banana-eating pieces of shit. 9. Actual Definiton Google, my beautiful wife that I procreate with daily, told me that life is the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.  That's pretty dang neat. 8. Biology In order for something to be alive, it needs to have DNA, have energy, has to develop, has to FUCC, has to be able to move, has to be made of cells, and has to evolve. The song Energy by Drake meets 3/6 of these criteria, as it has energy, evol...

Here is a step-by-step procedure on how to care for a pet snake. I think this will be helpful because snakes are good and deserve respect. Here goes! 1. Invest in a snake. This is a snake: This is a pool noodle: Remember that next time. 2. Make a Snake House. You want your snake to be happy, so build it a house, you absolute moron. Get a terrarium, get some sand, get a cool hidey place for your snake to hang out. You can't just bring a freaking snake home and expect it to get all comfy on your sofa. Get a snake house. 3. Food. Like any other mammals and most species of fish, snakes need to feed every 1-2 months in order to stay fit. Every full moon, make sure to tunnel underground to hunt some fresh voles, mice, and river eels for your snake to snack on. 4. Don't be a petty bitch. We all throw shade at snakes, but it's important to keep your head held high. There's more things you should do, but I need to go back to my cave t...

Today we are tackling the question "what is art?" Art is a three letter word, and it doesn't stand for Actually Robin Thicke. Robin Thicke has been cancelled for what feels like decades, and he doesn't know what art is. Since this blog is about snakes and also the economy, i will discuss art from the standpoint of a reptile economist. Art is anything that is creative, and you can sell it for ca$h moneyz. For example, during the Harlem Renaissance , African Americans sold art and earned money, which created an African American middle class. How cool is that? Art can be of anything. Politics, your left shoe, anything is fair game for art. This is art of a snake. She is beautiful. I am in love with her. Art about snakes wraps around your heart and gently squeezes it, a lot like a snake. Sometimes art is mean and it bites you, like a snake. Sometimes art is made of scales, like a snake, which is Rad. Anyway, i hope you enjoyed this informative post answer...

As a first blog post, I would like to explain the name of this blog: my aneconda don't. It's funny, because i misspelled "anaconda" so that it contains the word "econ" in it. This is an anaconda: But anacondas are so much more than a Thicc snake. They have influenced everything from the civil war, to the Bible, to modern culture. Here is a list of things anacondas did for human society: 1. The Anaconda Plan: this was a plan during the civil war. If i actually listened in APUSH, I would be able to tell you what this was, but i was so distracted by the beauty that is the amazonian anaconda that I couldn't focus. 2. The Bible: there's a snake in the Bible. It might not be an anaconda, but remember that. 3. Stacy:  This one isn't exactly an anaconda either. Stacy, if you're reading this, you're a snake and your casseroles are shit. 4. Nicki Minaj:  If you've been living under Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson, you probab...