My Aneconda Don't

 Hello all. Today the team at MAD wanted to break out of the mold. We've spent years writing about  snakes, but we had never paused to get real takes from real snakes during all this! We sat down with some snakes to hear what they had to say about life. The following is the transcribed version of the interview. MAD: Joining us today are three lovely snakes. I'd like to introduce Jackie, a rattlesnake. Next to her we've got Rocky, the anaconda that bit one of Nicki Minaj's backup dancers. Last, but certainly not least, we've got Samantha, a coffee snake. MAD: Before we slither in, I'd like to ask each of you some questions so our readers can get to know you a bit better. Jackie, can you tell us what life was like growing up as a snake? Jackie: ssssssssssssssssssssssssss MAD: Fascinating. There is so much stigma around rattlesnakes, so that story about the other children being afraid of you was hard to hear. Thank you for sharing. Jackie: sssssssss MAD: We're ...

You may already be aware that this publication is called MAD (My Aneconda Don't). It's tough out here being a herpetologist-economist-blogger-MMA champion-singer(in the shower)-amateur flautist-internet persona, but we make it work (Editor's Note: a herpetologist is someone who studies reptiles, in case you buffoons didn't already know). Reptile economics may be niche, but we at MAD are here to provide you with the absolute best content about snakes, and also the economy. However, there are things that just make our blood boil. Here are some of those things: 10.  A kettle. Coming in last place is the good ol' kettle. It's certainly a way to make our blood boil, but there are certainly more creative methods. 9. A pot on the stove over high heat. Nothing makes our blood boil quite like a pot heating up on the stovetop. It's a surefire way to heat anything up in a pinch. 8. In the oven. If we want slow-boiled blood, the oven is our best bet. We get so...

Quick question: do snakes have legs? No! Of course not. That would be preposterous. But you know who has legs? Most human beings! Today I am going to talk about an oft-ignored aspect of economy: the flight class. Buckle up buckaroos, because this exposé has been a long time coming and MAD has some opinions! When you look up "economy planes definition" the lovely Miss Google tells you that the purchase of an economy ticket means that you will be sitting in the main cabin. I read this, and I thought "Sweet! I love cabins!" This is what I imagine when I think of cabins: Looks pretty neat, right? You hear you're gonna be sitting in this bad boy for 1-19 hours, and life doesn't seem so bad. Maybe I could fetch some firewood and cozy up, reading and drinking hot chocolate. Boy, was I in for the tomfoolery of my life. Apparently a plane's cabin isn't warm, welcoming, or wooden. Instead, a plane's cabin looks like this: Just looking at...

Does your anaconda not want none unless they got buns, hun? We have the perfect pick-up lines for snakes trying to find love. Whether you sprinkle these in while sexting (snake texting), exchanging pics after you shed, or trying to meet someone in the wild, these lines are snake tested, snake approved. Your next lover may not have legs, but they'll still fall head-over-heels (or head-over-tail) for you. 1. My anaconda do for you ;) Accompany this zinger with a wink and your date will want to go home with you in no time. 2. I'm not the only thing that's long. Some snakes can grow up to 30 feet long, but you know what else can grow long? That's for your boo to find out! 3. My skin ain't the only thing I'll be taking off tonight. Want to hint that you'll be taking your date's clothes off later? Throw this line out and soon both clothes and scales will be shed. 4. Are you a wild animal? Because I want to choke you. If you're a ...

Has this ever happened to you? A well-meaning friend: "The Dow fell by 3 last night" You: "I don't know where 3 is, but did you help it get back up?" You fool. You absolute, hare-brained, rat-brained, rabbit-brained, vole-brained fool. Dude. You're 27. You should know what the hell is up with the Dow Jones. The Dow Jones is a line people put on graphs when they want to feel smart. It was established way before you were born, and it'll exist way after your existence on this planet. Life is temporary, but the Dow Jones is forever. I wrote a sonnet about the Dow Jones Industrial Average to help knuckleheads like you understand it. The Dow Jones, which is also called the Dow, Has thirty corporate constituents, Each of which is a marketplace cash-cow, And is replaced like a substituent, Well really, companies stay for quite long, And aren't replaced unless business is slow, Some people say the Dow Jones's never wrong, But all stock st...

Millennials. They buy so much avocado toast. If they have so much avocado for money toast, why don't they just? Toast their money? Set it ablaze? Same difference, avocado. Millenia is a thousand years. Millennials are people who have been alive for a thousand years. They had so much time to save money, but they're wasting it all and they're taking the economy down with them. Imagine a wealthy vampire. Now imagine Jeff Bezos. Consider the implications. Sir Jeff wants to be immortalized. Vampires aren't immortal because they are dead. Does one need to be alive to be considered immortal? Or does "immortal" just mean one cannot die? But vampires can die? The jury was out and now they are in and now they are an In-N-Out so this is inconclusive. We should've chosen better jurors. HELLO! Peace, love, economy, -MAD Author's note: this post was written 4 hours after I had 5oz of cold brew, excuse the brain noises,  everything is not making sense. ...

There are so many lists of fun facts for kids, but why aren't there fun facts for adults? Adults can have fun. Adults deserve  to have fun. Adulthood isn't terrifying, and I'm definitely not using this to distract myself of an oncoming existential crisis. Let's get to the fun (adult) facts! 1. Snakes don't have eyelids. Right off the bat, snakes can't close their eyes because they don't have eyelids! This means they sleep with their eyes open. Don't you wish you could sleep right now? Isn't adulthood exhausting? 2. Snakes have flexible jaws so they can eat food bigger than their head. Just like you, snakes can bite off more than they can chew. Actually, snakes can't bite or chew, but you get my point. Don't you feel so overwhelmed right now? Life is a prison. 3. A decapitated head of a snake can still bite for several hours after death. Doesn't this remind you of the person you thought you cut off who still manages to hurt you? T...

Frightening. Terrifying. Transparent. Scary. Dead. These are all words that are used to describe ghosts. You may be wondering where I've been. For the last year, I have been undercover in [redacted] trying to understand ghosts' plight. One could say that I'm back from the dead, in a way! After thorough research and a deep-dive into ghost culture, I'm back with the hottest scoop on the block. The Appearance of Apparitions  A ghost is thought to be the soul or spirit of someone who has passed away. Some believe they're vividly lifelike, while some say they're wispy and see-through. Has anyone thought that ghosts can present however they want to? I'm sick of these expectations of how ghosts should look. Wearing a sheet isn't "basic" and only wearing your outfit from the day you died isn't "lazy." Ghosts can appear however they want, and you have no right to judge them for it. Specters as Spectators in our Material World ...

Existence is meaningless. This core belief of nihilism, the thought-child of Nietzsche, at first appears depressing. It appears depressing because it is. Believing that life is meaningless can, for quite obvious reasons, cause feelings of depression and despair. After all, if nothing has meaning, what is the point of doing anything? However, once you have successfully detached yourself from anything connecting you to the world or society, life becomes so much easier. You no longer must care about the thoughts or feelings of others. Instead, every decision you make doesn't matter, so why not live life to the fullest? Take a risk, try something new, whisper sweetly to a night snake (more on that in a moment). In this post I thought to give you some New year's resolutions to give your life meaning, on your quest to living a life void of meaning. "Do something every day that scares you" I'm not talking about facing normie fears like spiders or the dark, yo...

It's September, meaning that the new year is just moments away! Get ready to make new year's resolutions and then abandon them like the garbage person you are using these simple tips. What is spiritual molting? Molting is the process in which snakes shed their skin. (See post "Snake Skin?" for a more in-depth explanation of this physical process). Spiritually, one can shed their negative attributes in order to be their best self. Get rid of any shred of personality you have and just be a likeable mass of nothing because you want to fit in! 1. Sugar scrubs. It's not about the physical scrub, but what it represents. This upcoming year, use sugar scrubs to not only exfoliate, but to rub away anything that makes you different or unique! 2. Therapy. Stop posting long paragraphs about your mental state on FaceBook and invest in some real help. In all seriousness, therapy can be a great way to work on your mental health and become the best version of you, you ...

Today I thought I would recommend some games for all you goons who play SuperSmashBros and have the audacity to call yourselves real gamers. Get educate!!!! 1. Snake A classic game. Hey, I gotta stay true to my brand! 2. Fortnight. No, not Fortnite. This game for REAL gamers is just a two week long period.Yuh. 3. Monopoly. Again, not what you think it is! If you're a LEGITIMATE gamer, you will horizontally or vertically integrate your business and become the next Robber Baron! Ruin the economy, because you are the 1% and you'll be just like Carnegie and philanthropically slap your name on a couple on universities and art halls. That's what I call community service! 4. Poker. Poker face? Only real gamers can master that. Thanks for staying tuned! Come back soon for a BREAKINg new story about the mistreatment of ghosts in our society. Peace, love, snakes, -MAD

Today's big question is "is free will real or just an illusion?" This blog is lucky in that it tackles big questions from two angles: snakes, and the economy. This allows for a more holistic evaluation of the daily question, and will be especially helpful for today's post. So, let's slip-n-slide into this bitch. Free will (noun): the power of acting without the constraint of necessity or fate; the ability to act at one's own discretion. Before we dive into whether humans have free will, let's examine the lives of snakes. Snakes are my gorgeous wife, and I treasure them. At first glance, you think that they're free because they aren't bound by the shackles of capitalism. But are they truly free? After all, snakes are all just lizard tails that have fallen off, and then grew into a separate organism. I was in a class in which I discussed the topic of free will for several hours, but since none of the other people in there were well versed ...

I haven't been writing nearly as much as the economy, so I thought today I would explore some economics. Yay! The economy is kind of like a bouncy ball. Sometimes it goes up, sometimes it goes down. Usually we can predict it with science and math, but sometimes it does unexpected things, like charge you $1M for a single home. Huh. Right now, there is fear of a trade war as countries re-evaluate trade deals. That may mean the economy may go down, but so far it hasn't and everything is smooth sailing. Now, the economy is a complicated and ever-changing topic, and I personally do not care enough to fully understand it. Let's look at some lines, shall we? That's one beautiful, sharp line! Neat! Let's check out that same line, but with a different line also, since every line needs a friend. Cool! Two lines! I wish I had a friend like that. Check out all those lines! Thanks for tuning in to MAD today as I explore the less-talked-about, but...

Hey what's up homies?!!? Today is a big day because I am tackling a highly requested question! I think it's time to answer the question: "What is love?" The obvious answer is "baby don't hurt me," but I am not a basic Bi*ch and wanted to dig deeper into this truly interesting question. What exactly is love? In the past, I have explained some terms using acronyms. Love usually stands for Lego Overlords Vore Everyday, but this doesn't do much to explain the true nature of love. Snakes cannot feel love. That's what scientists say. Even if they cannot love me, that does not stop me from loving them. You see this big buffoon? This neon green majesty? This heart-wrenching beauty? This is what love feels like. Stare into those big black eyes. It's an abyss. It's dark. It's LOVE . Economically speaking, love doesn't make a lot of sense. When you're in love, you make dumb choices, like buying flowers and dinner. ...

Mmmmmmmmmmmm........... coffee. It's warm, it's a drug, and it goes sploosh in your stomach. But this post isn't about coffee, it's about snakes. In my post "Top 10 Kinds of Snakes," I ranked the genus Ninia as #1. Since there are 10 species in the genus Ninia, I thought today I would rank them. Before we get started, let's talk about Ninia snakes all together: they are native to Mexico, Central America, and the northern part of South America. They are commonly referred to as coffee snakes, hence the name of this post. 10. Ninia franciscoi It breaks my heart to rank any kind of coffee snake last, but seeing as I couldn't find any pictures of this species, I have to rank them here. Time to go into my mud hut and cry for seventeen days! 9. Ninia celata I couldn't find a better picture, sorry. But it's still beautiful. 8. Ninia atrata Also called Hallowell's coffee snake. It's wearing a red choker, which is SO 2006, but ...

Here is a list of my 10 favorite kinds of snakes. Have fun, pal!!!! 10. Death Adder I wanted to put this one higher on the list, but my agents warned me against promoting something named after Death. Fair enough, I guess. But I simply couldn't resist showing off these snakes- they can do math AND kill people, which is super hardcore. Look at these beautiful babies: 9. Dwarf Boa Also referred to as thunder snakes, these tiny boys are a MENACE. I wish I had a son, only because then I could get him a tiny little pet snake. Look how cute and cuddly they are!!!!! 8. False Cobra These snakes are really cute, so I wanted to feature them here on MAD. The only reason they didn't place higher on the list is because they are fake ass hoes- the False Cobra is not a species of cobra at all!!! When I found this out, I contemplated jumping off of the nearest bridge because I was so overwhelmed. Anyway, yeah: 7. Mamba A little bit of Monica in my life, a little bit of E...

Hey everybody!! Before we dive head-first into this question, I wanted to give some context. Every day, I am trying to answer a big question. Today I am tackling "When was Prince?"  since the other day, I was learning about the counterculture of the 1960's and decided to ask my teacher when Prince was. He didn't have an answer, so I am taking initiative and tackling this question myself. Prince is the son of a royal person. They're a king, if the king only ate white flour with green beans and always skipped leg day. Princes wear crowns and act like prissy b*tches, and witches don't like them. The prince from Beauty and the Beast was so ugly and annoying a witch turned him into a furry. Truly a horrible end to a person. Princes always seem to ruin economies by blowing their royal trust funds on rooms and rooms full of hot cheetos. I respect their interest in this food, but even I have a limit as to how many hot cheetos I can consume before I turn into dust...

Today I will be answering a very important question: "Snake skin?" This question means a lot to me since I am a snake enthusiast. Have fun! Skin is a stretchy fabric, but it's alive. It covers all living things until it gets too small and falls off. Someone once told me that skin is the largest organ in the body. I didn't know what an organ was, but a quick search showed me it was this: look at this organ Neat! A handy acronym to remember what skin is, is Skeet sKeet Inter Net. I'm not sure how it relates to skin, but make sure to remember that! On to snake skin. Snake skin is really fun because snakes shed it! You can find this skin later and sell it in the black market for $6. Some products like clothes, bags, and shoes are made of snakeskin, which this publication (MAD) strongly disagrees with. Clothing made of animals doesn't really make sense, both economically and in terms of snakes. Anway, I hope you enjoyed this blog post. Make su...

Life is a lot of things. You can eat ice cream, see friends, jump into an active volcano..... the possibilities are endless. But mostly, life is about snAKES and the economy. Here are the top ten meanings of life. Have fun, you majestic creature! 10. 47 Many people think that the meaning of life is 42, but they're wrong and don't deserve to ever eat a ripe fruit. Take that, you crusty banana-eating pieces of shit. 9. Actual Definiton Google, my beautiful wife that I procreate with daily, told me that life is the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.  That's pretty dang neat. 8. Biology In order for something to be alive, it needs to have DNA, have energy, has to develop, has to FUCC, has to be able to move, has to be made of cells, and has to evolve. The song Energy by Drake meets 3/6 of these criteria, as it has energy, evol...

Here is a step-by-step procedure on how to care for a pet snake. I think this will be helpful because snakes are good and deserve respect. Here goes! 1. Invest in a snake. This is a snake: This is a pool noodle: Remember that next time. 2. Make a Snake House. You want your snake to be happy, so build it a house, you absolute moron. Get a terrarium, get some sand, get a cool hidey place for your snake to hang out. You can't just bring a freaking snake home and expect it to get all comfy on your sofa. Get a snake house. 3. Food. Like any other mammals and most species of fish, snakes need to feed every 1-2 months in order to stay fit. Every full moon, make sure to tunnel underground to hunt some fresh voles, mice, and river eels for your snake to snack on. 4. Don't be a petty bitch. We all throw shade at snakes, but it's important to keep your head held high. There's more things you should do, but I need to go back to my cave t...